The Wonders of Technology?

I both love and hate technology. Because I live so far from my family, it is great to keep in touch so easily and so immediately. At the same time, I have the computer, a tablet, and a work smart phone, so I feel like I am always connected and at the beck and call of something or someone.

This week my email threw a temper tantrum and didn’t work for an entire day. I felt panic at first, but as the day went on, I became excessively productive and people were forced to, you know, speak to me with their voices. It was a nice change of pace. By the end of the day, I felt relief and almost calm. I was even a little disappointed when everything was back up and running.

As mentioned in a few previous posts, my boss now works in the Boston office, so technology has become our best friend to facilitate communication. We even have video conferencing software installed on all our computers. Yesterday we were having our weekly video conference with my boss located in Boston, and my colleague who is located at the desk next to mine. She was working from home and for the first time all three of us had to connect to the conference independently (usually she and I sit next to each other and share a screen, which allowed for redundancy, that is to say, if hers didn’t work, we could try mine). Naturally, my connection didn’t work, and naturally I’m not tech savvy enough to start clicking on menus and configurations to fix it all by myself. After approximately 10 and a half seconds I gave up and called my boss on the good old telephone who put me on loud speaker so my colleague who was about 5 km from my location could hear me…via Boston.

While I was incredibly annoyed with my unsuccessful attempt to join the video conference, I was thinking about it afterwards and just how amazing it was.  My colleague and I were having a discussion in real time, with no perceptible delay with our voices traveling across the ocean and back. Whether you love or hate technology, you have to acknowledge it is pretty freaking amazing (when it works).

Stuff my dad writes

So I got this email from my dad today:

“I’ve recently discovered that since adopting my time saving, quick button pressing procedure on the microwave I have been gaining weight. So in an effort to remain healthy I have reverted to the multiple hand moving method. I tell you this as a caution that if you do/did follow my lead, you do so at your own peril. You may save time now but your life could be considerably shortened.”

Emails like this are why I love my dad. First, this email came with the subject line “Christmas exchange” because my dad has never actually sent/started/written an email, he has only ever replied to them. Sometimes I wonder if he knows where the “new” button is on his email application or if he would ever write me again if I were to change my email account and text him the new address.

Second, I may be his daughter but after 34 years of existence, I am never quite sure he is kidding, which makes me laugh more.

Third, this email refers to item number 13 of this post. My father has been proclaiming for years (yes, years) that he is saving so much time by microwaving things for 33 seconds instead of 30, because he moves his fingers less–this time saving action was also originally communicated to me in a similar type of email.

Fourth, I know that one of his other time saving techniques is to copy and paste the same email to all his kids rather than write each of us individualized emails, so I know brother and sister bear have got it too and we can collectively laugh about it the next time we are together.

Finally, I think my dad has a long distance instinct, he knows when these are the exact kind of emails I need.

So if you read this dad (which would only happen if he finds an old email where I have provided him the link because I am not sure he is an avid user of bookmarks either) please don’t ever change.

xx

Deet

Not my best day

It is one of those days where I just can’t get my shit together. I have both kids all day by myself, which is not the best when I am so scattered. Hubby is away on business, he left this morning at 6 a.m. and will be back sometime tonight after we are in bed, or at least by then I hope we will all be in bed, but the way things are going I might very well be asleep while Crazy is jumping on my bed beside me.

Nothing particularly bad happened, and in the great grand scheme of crappy-ass days, I fully recognize that this one doesn’t even register a blip on the radar, but still, this is not my favourite day. I am tired, which these days the last four years is the norm and doesn’t really add anything to the story, but it is always worth mentioning. I have also developed a cold, which again, is more of a mild inconvenience than a life altering event, but I have been in good health for so long now that I had forgotten how crappy it was to feel crappy. Thank you short memory, even though you are also the reason that I was contemplating a third pregnancy/child because you had helped me forget how ridiculously traumatic child birth is (sorry E, but you are going to find out soon enough), luckily I wrote that shit down last time.

Anyway, head cold, and in case it wasn’t perfectly clear, incapable of focusing on a single subject for more than ten seconds.

Crazy wandered into my room and woke me up a little after seven, and thus the day began. So far so good, just a little pressure behind the eyes and ears, a nose full of unpleasantness, and my whole body felt like my muscles had disintegrated over night, but at least the little ones slept in longer than the sun.

Around 9:30 a.m. I worked up the courage for outing number 1, Crazy was promised a treat for good behaviour, so we made our way to the toy store. I took advantage of the promised gift to stop for gas and shoes (two stops, I do not buy my shoes at the gas station). After all, my kids will behave like angels if they know a reward is just minutes away.

Once I had bought myself a new purse (there were no shoes I liked), we proceeded to spend an hour in the toy store while Crazy scrutinized every toy on every shelf in every aisle, and Squishy picked up toys at random and headed for the exit. Finally, Crazy picked a remote controlled train and Squishy narrowed it down to Barbapapa figurines.

Back at home, we got the toys out of their wrappings in a little under 45 minutes which was a new record for removing the unnecessary packaging found on children’s toys. We put new batteries in and surprise, the train didn’t work. Poor Crazy was so disappointed and so was I because I knew I would have to take them back to the freaking toy store.

I barely scraped together lunch and put Squishy down for a nap before falling onto the couch and trying to rest while Crazy was jumping, rolling, flipping, and just generally being crazy. Squishy normally sleeps three hours in the afternoon, which is just awesome, but today being today, she only slept 45 minutes.

Once everyone was awake and dressed again, back to the toy store we went. After yet another hour of scrutinizing and randomly grabbing and running, we came out with a non battery operated toy that was sure to work. All of this after the store manager “verified” that the toy really didn’t work.  I fully understand this is procedure, but it did make me feel a little bit like I was too stupid to put batteries in a plastic toy.

So once back at home, I decided what the kids really needed to tire themselves out and therefore ensure they would go to sleep at a decent time that night was some fresh air. Crazy wanted to ride his bike.  So I got it out of the garage, Squishy decided she wanted her scooter, so I got that out of the garage, then Crazy saw Squishy with her scooter and decided he no longer wanted his bike and wanted his scooter instead. I put the bike back and got his scooter, then I managed to find both helmets and chased down the kids to put them on their heads.  We were approximately 20 m from the front door when Squishy decided she was done with the scooter, so I carried hers for the last 500 m to the park.  The 500 m took a grand total of 20 minutes between the stops to look at rocks, the random deciding to sit down and play with garbage or whatever fun things may cross the mind of an almost 2 year old.

Once we got there, we headed for the slide, this is when disaster struck. Two little girls came to the park with of all things…their chihuahua. This would, of course, be no big deal for any other family, but Crazy, as crazy as he might be, has a pathological fear of dogs, and cats, and I discovered yesterday turtles as well, basically anything non human that moves.  So Crazy was frozen with fear at the sight of this rat-sized dog in a t-shirt (I think the attempt to dress it like a human also added to the inexplicable phobia).  I told him to play on the slide because there was no way this little ankle-biter could make it up there to get him, boy was I wrong. Crazy climbed up the ladder stairs to the slide, and little dog followed him right up, walked past him, and slid down the slide.  I was in hysterics laughing at the sight of this dog sliding down a slide, until I realized that my son was paralyzed with fear. I helped guide the poor dear back into my arms and we decided to leave about 7 minutes after we got there.

Of course neither child wanted to ride their scooters anymore or wear their helmets, so I clumsily picked up both scooters, both helmets, and the back pack full of snacks and changes of clothes and we started on our way to the empty tennis courts so that kids could run/roll around freely without the threat of cars or wild mini-animals.  So it was on our way that Hubby decided to call, here I was arms full, shins sore from the scooters banging into them and the phone ringing.  I barely made it to the tennis court before dropping everything and sitting on the ground to bitch and complain to my husband. Oddly enough, I totally broke down in that phone call, and sweet as he was, he burst out laughing, and somehow that made it all better.  In that ten minutes while the kids chased each other around the net–I am still not sure exactly who was chasing whom–I totally broke down, picked up the broken pieces, and for the first time all day I got my shit together.  Who knew that all I needed was for someone to laugh at me.

UPDATE: This is not an open invitation for you (and you know who you are) to kick me when I am down.

I can’t seem to finish a thought

I am going through one of those moments in my life when there are so many things on the go, to plan, to manage, to remember that I am unable to finish a single thought.

This week for example, I have to figure out how I am going to attend and remember to attend the first parent-teacher night at our school. This is something I refuse to miss because it is one of the few moments in the year when we get a sneak peak into our child’s everyday life. As Crazy is about as chatty as a caterpillar I have no input on what happens in his day.  I even joined the PTA last year just to have some privileged time with his teacher to find out what is really going on in his life.

Also, on Tuesday,  I have to give a speech, as it is not political, perhaps that is not the right way to say it, I guess it is more appropriate to say “I have been asked to speak.”  Now that El Jefe has moved to Boston, I am managing his speaking engagements.  I am not so much nervous for this as I am totally and completely excited.  I mean seriously, I love to be the centre of attention–I think this is a personality flaw due to the fact that I am a middle and therefore forgotten child–and how much more centre can I get than speaking to a room full of 150 colleagues.  Not only that but my boss’s boss’s boss’s boss will be there, so the next time promotion is being discussed, perhaps he might say “Hey, do you remember that girl that said that thing that one time, it was kind of funny, we should promote her.”

On top of that, I have a little over a month before we leave for a two week vacation to Canada, and nothing says vacation like a nine hour flight with two preschool age children. Regardless, there are only two weeks and a lot of very wonderful people to see, and that requires intense planning, something I have only just begun to start to think about.

And since tomorrow is Monday, I have started to think about the insurmountable to-do list at work that is filled with only “urgent” or “requires immediate attention” or “do it now or you will get fired” items.

I am also contemplating how exactly I will get my kids to school and day care tomorrow if it is raining. This is the south of France, have you ever heard anything as insane as rain here? I couldn’t believe it when I woke up to the sound of rain falling this morning. It was such a wonderful change or at least it was until I decided to take the kids out to play in the rain; I have yet to figure out where my head was at when I came up with this idea. I got them all dressed up in rain gear and rubber boots and went out to splash around in puddles. We came back about 30 minutes later soaked to the bone, cold, and miserable.  It took me nearly as long to get everyone dry and warmed up again. I can’t imagine how I will manage it tomorrow morning unless I bring everyone, including myself, an extra change of clothes.

So these are the thoughts I am able to focus on for more than 20 seconds.  The rest of the time my mind is jumping from one thing to the next, never able to fully digest the thought, the feeling, the moment before it skips on to the

28 Ways to Be Awesome

1. Think big.
2. Follow through with all the crazy claims you make after taking a shower.
3. Organise your life, business, and time so you only need to work one full day a week, a full day from 9 am until 11 am.
4. Be more creative in ways to cheat at scrabble than in finding words to win (seriously, when your migraine suffering daughter is on strong pain killers challenging her to scrabble is just cheating…trying to induce migraines is also cheating).
5. Raise five pretty amazing kids.
6. Build a vet clinic the size of a mini mall.
7. Become a pilot.
8. Buy a plane.
9. Buy a runway.
10. When dissatisfied with the house close to that runway, level it and build a new one.
11. While the new house is being built, live in a small, poorly insulated trailer parked on your front lawn…in Canada.
12. Avoid words at all costs, grunt whenever possible.
13. Look for time and energy savings in everything you do, for example, when using the microwave, set the timer for 44 seconds rather than 40, it saves unnecessary hand movements. Tell everyone you know about your fantastic energy saving ideas.
14. Buy a fricking huge scary dog, and name her Ariel.
15. Try to convince everyone that the scar you have on your chest is from a bullet wound you got when you were held hostage in a bank robbery.
16. Make breakfast a family affair that involves shouting orders about toast.
17. Make a fantastic dinner every Sunday your family is together.
18. Buy my three year old a wildly unexpected birthday gift that he still plays with virtually every day almost a year later.
19. Help your kids every time they move even if your back is effed for three weeks.
20. Enter into your teenage daughter’s room with a 2 by 4 while she is studying with her boyfriend.
21. Allow and encourage your daughter’s boyfriend to watch you neuter a dog.
22. Get Seinfeld.
23. Spend for today, after all you can make the money tomorrow.
24. Rent the same movie three weekends in a row, and get twenty minutes into it before realizing you have already seen it.
25. Be honest with your kids.
26. Hide a puzzle piece until all but one is missing so you can finish the puzzle.
27. Pretend to be 28 (convincingly) well into your forties.
28. Be my dad.

Why? Why? Why?

I have been waiting since his first word for Crazy to enter into the why phase.  I have been looking forward to see how his mind works, to see where he is curious and to test my own creativity and reasoning in trying to answer.

It has been four days since the full on why phase has started.  It’s been four days where I can say something as simple as “We are going to have spaghetti for dinner” and I am met with a little “Why?”

It’s been four days since I have had to try to answer questions such as:

“Why is the sky blue?”  – That’s an easy one, it’s due to the light from the sun being scattered by the Earth’s atmosphere. He looked at me with curious eyes, and then asked if he could watch TV.

“Why is the sun hot?” – Again, easy peasy – it’s a burning ball of gas.  His response “like Earth?” Well no, not exactly, but then again he changed the subject and asked if he would get to go back to school soon.

“Why is Grandma your mother?”  – Ummmmm

I have also been blessed for the last four days with full on conversations in which Crazy has become mono-syllabic.

Me – It’s bedtime.

Him – Why?

Me – Because it’s late.

Him – Why?

Me – Because the sun is going to bed.

Him – Why?

Me – Ah nuts, this just got a lot more complicated.  Forget about it, it’s time for bed.

Hubby has been trying to outsmart him by only responding with “Because” but that doesn’t make the question go away and Crazy just repeats “Why?” until either Hubby goes bonkers or Crazy gets bored (so far, Crazy hasn’t gotten bored).

So yes, four days into the why phase, it’s been fun, but now it’s time for it to be over.

What fun answers did you give your kids to the question “Why?”

How to do well at work

Crazy at “work” on his Winnie the Pooh computer.

Here are my five simple ways for getting ahead at work.

1/ Don’t prepare for meetings and show up late. Ideally, bring your laptop with you so that you can ignore everyone in the room and do something else more “important”…what? Facebook is important.

2/ Insult your boss and your bosses boss if possible. For most desired effects, do it publicly. If anyone tells you to “shut the @&)# up”, you know you are on the right track.

3/ When your boss asks you to do anything, always respond with “No, I have no time”. Repeat this in various forms until you have negotiated the task down to its bare minimum.

4/ Put up horrible pictures of your boss in the office and make sure you take full credit for it.

5/ Show up late and leave early.

Also, go ahead and ignore your friend-colleague who is going to walk into your office tomorrow with a pissed off look because she knows, for some reason that science and logic can’t explain, you have done all of the above and you are doing quite well. Eat the cake she brings though.

What are your great ways for ensuring your career advancement?

Top ten things I have learned as a parent

10. I can read 190 pages of Curious George in one sitting and not go blind.

9. Most kids learn the word “no” long before they learn the word “yes”.

8. Even when you think you might die from tiredness, you won’t. And some days knowing that makes it so much worse.

7. Baby proofing has served little purpose in my home because my kids are far more creative than I am. I keep the really dangerous stuff out of reach, but beyond that, Crazy will always outsmart me at finding dangerous activities with seemingly safe things.

6. There is no one right answer to all the parenting questions. Every parent, every child, and every situation is different. What works for you won’t necessarily work for others, what works for others won’t necessarily work for you and what worked yesterday may not today.

5. All children (or maybe just mine) are a little OCD in ways that make no sense at all. While driving home from the zoo today at nap time, Squishy refused to sleep and was growing increasingly annoyed with us. It took us awhile with the car pulled over to finally understand that her window shade was on backwards (it wasn’t) and once we flipped it around she promptly calmed down and went to sleep.

4. If Crazy does not want to go to sleep, he will not go to sleep and reading 190 pages of Curious George will not change this.

3. When my child laughs, it is impossible to not at least smile.

2. Almost every theory I had on parenting before I had kids was wrong.

1. Doctors are experts of anatomy, lactation specialists are experts at nursing, teachers are experts at teaching, but I, okay, Hubby and I are the foremost experts of my children.

Thank you, of course

Last week, I was reading the book Thank You to Crazy. When I got to the page that says “I always say thank you when some says something kind about me”, I gave Crazy a kiss on his head and said “you are very handsome”. He replied, “Of course”.

So, I am clearly failing as a parent when it comes to manners, but I should get bonus points for his level of self confidence.

The not so nice things my son has said to me since going to school

Please don’t take this post as an attack against our school system, socializing children or any other parent, but my son has learned some wonderful insults since being surrounded by other kids while at school.

When Crazy started school at two and a half (a post for another time, I am still having trouble with this) he was not very verbose. He had a limited vocabulary, little understanding of his emotions and he had a wicked temper that he expressed through hitting or temper tantrums, ahh, those were good times.

School, while a complete shock to his system, did force him to learn to communicate more effectively. Now when he is angry with me rather than hitting me, the table, the wall or throwing himself onto the floor like a loon, he gives me his evil eyes and spouts out the meanest thing he can think of. Sometimes it’s so freaking cute that I have trouble keeping a straight face, sometimes it makes me worry as to WHY this is an insult, but it almost never makes me mad, because well, it’s soooo much better than the violent explosions he used to have.

So here are the insults my son has thrown at me (please note these are all translated from French because Crazy is still mostly refusing to speak English)

* “Gerber Baby” – picture a tiny blond three year old shouting this at you in the same tone an adult would tell some one to eff-off and try not to laugh. I suspect this became an insult because all the kids at school are “big kids”, so calling each other a baby, even if it is the cutest of the cute babies hits at their gentle little egos right where it hurts.

* “Thief” – I assume this comes from any number of television shows or movies where the bad guy is a thief, I choose not to reflect on this further.

* “Nasty girl” – I hate this one, because the emphasis is on girl, not nasty, as though the real insult is that I am a girl. When directed at Hubby, it is just “nasty”. I don’t know how or why being a girl is a bad thing in my sons head, but I will be working toward just being called nasty.

* “You aren’t my friend anymore” – At their tender age of three if they are friends for an entire day I suspect that is considered a long term relationship. What I love best about this one is that he did think of me as his friend. I hope it will last.

He has also learned a lot of nice things too, like “you are pretty” and “you can hold my teddy bear (when I am tired)” and the best of all “I love you.”

What are you favourite pre-school insults?