28 Ways to Be Awesome

  1. Think big.
  2. Follow through with all the crazy claims you make after taking a shower.
  3. Organise your life, business, and time so you only need to work one full day a week, a full day from 9 am until 11 am.
  4. Be more creative in ways to cheat at scrabble than in finding words to win (seriously, when your migraine suffering daughter is on strong pain killers challenging her to scrabble is just cheating…trying to induce migraines is also cheating).
  5. Raise five pretty amazing kids.
  6. Build a vet clinic the size of a mini mall.
  7. Become a pilot.
  8. Buy a plane.
  9. Buy a runway.
  10. When dissatisfied with the house close to that runway, level it and build a new one.
  11. While the new house is being built, live in a small, poorly insulated trailer parked on your front lawn…in Canada.
  12. Avoid words at all costs, grunt whenever possible.
  13. Look for time and energy savings in everything you do, for example, when using the microwave, set the timer for 44 seconds rather than 40, it saves unnecessary hand movements. Tell everyone you know about your fantastic energy saving ideas.
  14. Buy a fricking huge scary dog, and name her Ariel.
  15. Try to convince everyone that the scar you have on your chest is from a bullet wound you got when you were held hostage in a bank robbery.
  16. Make breakfast a family affair that involves shouting orders about toast.
  17. Make a fantastic dinner every Sunday your family is together.
  18. Buy my three year old a wildly unexpected birthday gift that he still plays with virtually every day almost a year later.
  19. Help your kids every time they move even if your back is effed for three weeks.
  20. Enter into your teenage daughter’s room with a 2 by 4 while she is studying with her boyfriend.
  21. Allow and encourage your daughter’s boyfriend to watch you neuter a dog.
  22. Get Seinfeld.
  23. Spend for today, after all you can make the money tomorrow.
  24. Rent the same movie three weekends in a row, and get twenty minutes into it before realizing you have already seen it.
  25. Be honest with your kids.
  26. Hide a puzzle piece until all but one is missing so you can finish the puzzle.
  27. Pretend to be 28 (convincingly) well into your forties.
  28. Be my dad.

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