The newest addition to NCIS

Of all the television shows that are or have been on my list of things to watch, my favorite by far is NCIS. This show is the perfect blend of humor, drama, emotion, and gratuitous violence that makes me fully escape my life forty minutes at a time.

With summer reaching its end, I started to do my general spoiler search via my best friend the internet to see what to expect this season. I discovered, nearly two months after the regular NCIS fan base that Cote De Pablo is leaving. I was first quite sad because I love Ziva, then I realized, they have a job opening. So here is the cover letter of my application to what would totally be my dream job.

Dear people of NCIS who make decisions about casting,

Rumor has it you are looking for “a bright, educated, athletic, attractive, fresh-faced, focused and some what socially awkward” person who will answer to the name Bishop.

I do fully understand that this is an acting role, and while I have no acting experience beyond high-school drama classes, I still think I am the perfect person for this role. The character is basically me, so I would not need to act, I would just be me, saying what you tell me to say in front of cameras.

Bright: I have often been referred to as a genius, such as “way to go genius”
Educated: I have a Masters degree, and it only took me a year longer than expected.
Athletic: I have two kids, trust me, I am running around all the fricking time.
Attractive: You guys have make up and can play with lighting right?
Fresh-faced: If you mean clean, I swear I wash my face almost everyday. If you mean unknown, then yeah, I’m good, no one knows who I am, although, my face was on a poster on the wall in one scene of Good Will Hunting, but so far the paparazzi haven’t found me.
Focused: I have sat at my computer pressing control c control v for hours at a time.
Socially Awkward: My masters degree is in aerospace engineering, do you need any more proof?

I will show up early and stay late every day, and I will make the other actors appear not only extremely tall while standing next to me, but they will appear even more talented and skilled as actors. I have fully done my research on the show by owning every season on DVD legally available to me (Season 10 is not yet released in France) and watching them over and over again.

NCIS

Finally, I think my spot-on comedic timing would be better served on screen than in the budget meetings I have been recently suffering through.

Let me know when we can schedule my audition, I would prefer a scene that involves Jimmy Palmer being shirtless.

Cheers,
Bishop (see, I am already in character)

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28 Ways to Be Awesome

  1. Think big.
  2. Follow through with all the crazy claims you make after taking a shower.
  3. Organise your life, business, and time so you only need to work one full day a week, a full day from 9 am until 11 am.
  4. Be more creative in ways to cheat at scrabble than in finding words to win (seriously, when your migraine suffering daughter is on strong pain killers challenging her to scrabble is just cheating…trying to induce migraines is also cheating).
  5. Raise five pretty amazing kids.
  6. Build a vet clinic the size of a mini mall.
  7. Become a pilot.
  8. Buy a plane.
  9. Buy a runway.
  10. When dissatisfied with the house close to that runway, level it and build a new one.
  11. While the new house is being built, live in a small, poorly insulated trailer parked on your front lawn…in Canada.
  12. Avoid words at all costs, grunt whenever possible.
  13. Look for time and energy savings in everything you do, for example, when using the microwave, set the timer for 44 seconds rather than 40, it saves unnecessary hand movements. Tell everyone you know about your fantastic energy saving ideas.
  14. Buy a fricking huge scary dog, and name her Ariel.
  15. Try to convince everyone that the scar you have on your chest is from a bullet wound you got when you were held hostage in a bank robbery.
  16. Make breakfast a family affair that involves shouting orders about toast.
  17. Make a fantastic dinner every Sunday your family is together.
  18. Buy my three year old a wildly unexpected birthday gift that he still plays with virtually every day almost a year later.
  19. Help your kids every time they move even if your back is effed for three weeks.
  20. Enter into your teenage daughter’s room with a 2 by 4 while she is studying with her boyfriend.
  21. Allow and encourage your daughter’s boyfriend to watch you neuter a dog.
  22. Get Seinfeld.
  23. Spend for today, after all you can make the money tomorrow.
  24. Rent the same movie three weekends in a row, and get twenty minutes into it before realizing you have already seen it.
  25. Be honest with your kids.
  26. Hide a puzzle piece until all but one is missing so you can finish the puzzle.
  27. Pretend to be 28 (convincingly) well into your forties.
  28. Be my dad.

28

You don’t love me if you won’t let me play with your hair

As a change of pace I tried to “do” my hair this morning, that is to say, I did a little more than brush it, but not quite so much as to include curling irons or straighteners in the process. This is rare, and I wanted to enjoy the result for slightly more than 10 minutes.

This is where I get stuck in a catch-22 situation. To keep the hair “done”, I really need to get away from my kids, which happens most regularly on a work day, but on work days, I am rushing so much in the mornings to hit the snooze button three or four times and then to dress myself and the kids in about 5 minutes and 32 seconds  that I have no time to do my hair. Luckily Hubby handles the kid’s breakfasts otherwise we just wouldn’t make it.

So this morning–Saturday morning–I foolishly did my hair. Squishy is out of sorts today, and when she is feeling under the weather her favourite activity is to curl up on my lap, suck her thumb, and twirl my hair.

I left the bathroom after doing my hair and ran into Squishy with her arms stretched toward me calling “Mamie”, at least that is how it sounds coming out of her French speaking little mouth. I promptly picked her up, and she started for the standard, head on my shoulder, one hand in her mouth, the other hand on my hair pose, but I stopped her hand. She raised her head instantly and stared at me with her big brown eyes as if to say, “What the what?”

I gave her a kiss on her nose and rubbed her back. She continued to look at me with untrusting eyes and slowly began to put her head back onto my shoulder. When her hand started to reach up to my hair a second time, I held her hand in mine and started rubbing it. Her head shot up again, but the look was totally different this time. Her eyes were already full of those huge crocodile tears she is able to conjure at will, and her bottom lip was quivering. After meeting my eyes, she then let out a sorrowful scream as if to say, “Why don’t you love me anymore?”

I held out for all of three minutes and then decided it was more important that my daughter feel love. So now, while I am sitting on the couch with Squishy curled on my lap and no longer playing with my now disheveled hair, I realize that I have just lost a battle of stubbornness, again.

Why? Why? Why?

I have been waiting since his first word for Crazy to enter into the why phase.  I have been looking forward to see how his mind works, to see where he is curious and to test my own creativity and reasoning in trying to answer.

It has been four days since the full on why phase has started.  It’s been four days where I can say something as simple as “We are going to have spaghetti for dinner” and I am met with a little “Why?”

It’s been four days since I have had to try to answer questions such as:

“Why is the sky blue?”  – That’s an easy one, it’s due to the light from the sun being scattered by the Earth’s atmosphere. He looked at me with curious eyes, and then asked if he could watch TV.

“Why is the sun hot?” – Again, easy peasy – it’s a burning ball of gas.  His response “like Earth?” Well no, not exactly, but then again he changed the subject and asked if he would get to go back to school soon.

“Why is Grandma your mother?”  – Ummmmm

I have also been blessed for the last four days with full on conversations in which Crazy has become mono-syllabic.

Me – It’s bedtime.

Him – Why?

Me – Because it’s late.

Him – Why?

Me – Because the sun is going to bed.

Him – Why?

Me – Ah nuts, this just got a lot more complicated.  Forget about it, it’s time for bed.

Hubby has been trying to outsmart him by only responding with “Because” but that doesn’t make the question go away and Crazy just repeats “Why?” until either Hubby goes bonkers or Crazy gets bored (so far, Crazy hasn’t gotten bored).

So yes, four days into the why phase, it’s been fun, but now it’s time for it to be over.

What fun answers did you give your kids to the question “Why?”

How to do well at work

Crazy at "work"

Crazy at “work” on his Winnie the Pooh computer.

Here are my five simple ways for getting ahead at work.

1/ Don’t prepare for meetings and show up late. Ideally, bring your laptop with you so that you can ignore everyone in the room and do something else more “important”…what? Facebook is important.

2/ Insult your boss and your bosses boss if possible. For most desired effects, do it publicly. If anyone tells you to “shut the @&)# up”, you know you are on the right track.

3/ When your boss asks you to do anything, always respond with “No, I have no time”. Repeat this in various forms until you have negotiated the task down to its bare minimum.

4/ Put up horrible pictures of your boss in the office and make sure you take full credit for it.

5/ Show up late and leave early.

Also, go ahead and ignore your friend-colleague who is going to walk into your office tomorrow with a pissed off look because she knows, for some reason that science and logic can’t explain, you have done all of the above and you are doing quite well. Eat the cake she brings though.

What are your great ways for ensuring your career advancement?

Lazy vs balanced

I must stand up for the French, the people who have welcomed me with open arms and enough paper work to make my eyes bleed to tell Amercians and Canadians alike that the French are not lazy. I have heard this stereotype on a number of occasions, and I would just like to set the record straight.

So, why are we called lazy? Yes, that’s right, I said we.

The first reason, I assume, is because a legal work week is 35 hours. This may seem less than the standard 40 talked about in Canada, and much less than the 50 or 80 I hear my friends must invest to get ahead in the jobs, but in reality, its essentially equivalent to the standard 40. Has math failed us? Does 35=40? Of course not, but, it must be noted that this 35 does not include lunch breaks, whereas the Canadian 40 does. When you consider that 45 minutes of paid breaks are required for a standard 8 hour day in Canada, the actual time “worked” is 36 hours and 15 minutes per week (did I do that math right?).

The second reason is the traditional two hour long (unpaid) lunch break.

The third and final reason I can think of is the standard five weeks of paid holidays a year…minimum (I actually get seven) starting the very first year you work. None of this you-need-to-completely-burn-out-before-we-will-give-you-a-reasonable-amount-of-time-off crap.

So yes, we are in the office less (I am not totally convinced these fewer working hours equals less actual work though), but lazy is such a poor term for this. I prefer balanced, whole, rested, or family oriented.

There is no expectation that work should be your first priority, it is assumed your family will be, and therefore, the workplace is built around this assumption. You can take three consecutive weeks off each year and not miss out on career advancement, you can leave at 5 pm on the nose and people won’t consider you aren’t pulling your weight, and you can take the time at lunch to rest, go for a run, see your family, disconnect from the stress so that you have a fully productive and satisfying working day.

There is so much about living in France that drives me totally bonkers, but until Canada can offer me a promising career with reasonable working hours and where I can take seven weeks every year for everything else in my life, I think I will just stay here (sorry you had to find out like this Mom and Dad).