Dear makers of children’s toys,
I know I speak often about how crazy my children are, but I assure you, they aren’t that bad, it is me, I am weak and fragile and have trouble dealing with the mess that is childhood. The kids themselves aren’t horrible, they are just little versions of me, with dexterity issues, who still have a lot to learn about being, well human, in society. This however, does not make them innately bad, they are just young and deserving of our love and patience.
I would like to remind you of this on behalf of all children everywhere. They are good little people, they deserve a break and some down time and I will go so far as to say, they should be able to play with the toys that are showered upon them during this holiday season.
I say all this, because I see no reason why, for the love of God, you feel the need to package toys the way you do unless it is to punish children. There is nothing like an excited child who wants to get at their new doll they have just unwrapped, who then has to sit quietly while mother tries to open the box. No crap, it is taped shut, okay, I will just peel that one off, oh no the box still won’t open. Let me just turn it over, ahh, I see, another bit of tape, shit this one won’t peel.
– Hubby, hand me those scissors.
Okay, let me slice there, and there and there, and…yup there. Okay, box is opened. Phew. I will just slide this doll attached to this cardboard thing out of the box, it’s stuck, what the hell is it stuck on?
– Yes dear, almost got it, and NO, don’t touch those.
Pick up scissors and hand them back to Hubby. Back to the cardboard thing stuck in the box, maybe if I just pull with all myyyy miiiight. Yup that did the trick.
– Oh sorry honey, I didn’t mean to smack you in the face, I was just trying to get the doll out of the box, I have almost got it.
Child’s nose has stopped bleeding and back to the doll attached to the cardboard thingy. Okay, let’s turn it over, I’ll just go ahead and wipe that sweat off my forehead while I do that. Alright, what am I looking at, we have three visible twist ties…all taped down, and there appears to be elastics and wait, is that string too?
– Hubby, can you hand me those scissors again please?
Right, let’s peel away that tape, okay, first twist tie is free and ready to be untwisted, now which way is it…nope, not that way.
– No, honey, don’t touch the scissors. She is almost out of the box, I promise.
Okay, one twist tie down, two to go. Well, now I have it figured out, that wasn’t so bad. On to the elastics, the clear, thin, but surprisingly durable elastics that are both hard to grasp and hard to see (they kind of look like those elastics kids had on their braces). Fuck, there are like eight if them…alright, let’s just go one at a time.
– Oh, please stop crying honey, I promise I am not hurting your baby.
Okay, elastics are done, brow is wiped again. Blood pressure is starting to return to normal, all we have now is the string, I shouldn’t need scissors, I will just pull at it with my finger here. Oh, it is a little thicker than I thought, maybe the scissors will be faster.
– Hubby, please pass me the scissors. What do you mean you don’t have the scissors, I know you handed them to me, but I thought I handed them back, never mind, I found them, Crazy is using them to cut my new scarf. WHAT?
Okay, I have secured the scissors, scarf is okay, and on to the string, it is cut. If I pull here, the doll should be free, oh no, wait, I need to cut that string too, oh and that one there, and freedom at last, or not, what’s going on now, why is this damn doll still attached to this stupid cardboard thingy. Is that a fucking zip tie? Alright, I will need bigger scissors for that, or maybe bolt cutters. Breathe, calm down, you can do this, it is just a child’s toy. Bolt cutters have arrived, zip tie is cut and baby is at last free.
– Here you go sweety. What do you mean you don’t want it? Oh, you want me to open that other toy…right, sure, I just need a refill on my egg nog first.